Whenever I try to talk about my identity, I have a tendency to jump around and come at things in a potentially confusing order. I have decided to collect some thoughts and information here in an attempt to organize them into some semblance of order. Maybe this page will only ever be for me. Maybe I'll direct others here who have questions about my identity. Either way, I think that gathering these thoughts, ideas, and resources together will be a good exercise if nothing else.
Identities are complex and diverse. And of course there are many more aspects to someone's identity than those that I will discuss here. There's lots more that makes me me beyond my gender identity or my genetics or my sexual orientation. That being said, what I'm specifically looking to discuss here are the "queer" aspects of my identity. So, while I am more than my gender, gender will indeed be the main focus on this page.
One of my favourite graphics depicting some of the many varied facets of a person's identity is the Gender Unicorn.
Here is what my gender unicorn looks like at the moment:
The Gender in 12 Dimensions post on TransFinite is also quite interesting and includes a non-standard definition of "transsexual" that I quite like. I mean, it's a definition that's not actually used in the wider world and thus not terribly useful, but it's the meaning that I wish transsexual had even if it isn't the one it actually has.
Here's what the sex and gender "dimensions" would look like for me right now:
| External | Internal | |
|---|---|---|
| Gender | |
|
| Sex | |
|
Both of these models have their issues and simplify certain nuances of identity away. But I still think they can be useful when starting to look at and think about these concepts. And they can help to give a concise at-a-glance summary of someone's identity even if they may not necessarily capture all of the details.
To be clear, these are the specific details and nuances for my identity and my labels. Someone else may use the same labels but have a different experience with their identity. I am not attempting to provide general or universal definitions here. I am speaking for and about myself only.
I like to play with clothes and presentation. Sometimes I dress high femme: corset, heels, stockings, lace, make-up... the whole nine yards. More often I tend to dress in a subdued relatively neutral sort of way: baggy t-shirts and jeans. Ideally, as I become more confident, I would like to present more masculine or androgynous as well.
For me, external presentation doesn't reflect my internal identity. When I wear heels and lace and petticoats, that is a costume. Hallowe'en was always my favourite time of year as a child. I loved the chance to get dressed up and wear a costume. I still do. It's just that now my costumes tend to be things like "Victorian lady" or "pioneer woman" or "1950s housewife" rather than "pumpkin" or "black cat" or "witch". And perhaps one day these costumes will also include things like "Victorian gentleman" or "1950s greaser" or something. (What can I say, I like the 1880s and the 1950s!)
Given that I don't feel a strong affiliation with either masculine or feminine identities, perhaps I could claim labels like neutrois or even agender. Non-binary is what feels most correct and most comfortable for me though, so that's what I use.
I'm not really sure how to describe or explain gender except in terms of what it isn't. Gender isn't determined by your anatomy or your hormones or your clothing or your mannerisms. It isn't about what you do or how you act or what you wear. It isn't determined by how you're perceived. It's a social construct, but most people still seem to have an innate sense of gender even if you take away all the social cues we tend to base it on. So, what we're left with then is that gender is a feeling. For some people, if they disregarded their clothes, their anatomy, their social interactions, their mannerisms... they'd still have a strong sense of being a man or a woman. (Some people also have a strong sense of being neither or both, but the majority of the population tends to align with either "man" or "woman".) For me, I don't. My innate sense of gender seems to be weak to non-existent.
Because my sex (see below), my gender, and my presentation all fall outside the binary in different ways, "non-binary" feels like the most comfortable and most correct label for me (when I choose to use one at all). If I wanted to talk about my gender only (disregarding sex, presentation, expression, etc.) it's possible that another, more specific label could be used. But I don't personally feel any desire to use a more specific label. So non-binary is my preferred "overall" term, but it is also currently my preferred term when specifically referring to my gender.
This is where the Gender in 12 Dimensions model starts to break down for me. By the time I first stumbled across it, it was already abundantly clear to me that sex and gender were not the same thing (but they are often strongly intertwined things). And it was also clear that I had a strong sense of external sex characteristics (both primary and secondary) even though I didn't have a strong innate gender. So the idea that both sex and gender could be both internal and external was an idea that immediately resonated with my own experience. That said, looking at "sex" as an atomic, indivisible package no longer makes as much sense to me as it used to. Riley Dennis has done some excellent videos on why "sex" is also a social construct and what the separate elements of that concept are.
Note: The next paragraph is hidden by default as it pertains to my body and my genitals. If you don't wish to read this, feel free to carry on to the next section. If you do, press the button below to reveal the text.
I don't particularly care about my chromosomes. My gonads have already produced all the gametes I need and their only other job (as far as I'm concerned) is to produce sex hormones. I don't particularly care about hormones beyond the effects they have on my body (including maintaining bone density and producing secondary sex characteristics). When it comes to secondary sex characteristics, I enjoy different aspects to varying degrees. I would prefer to be taller (sadly, hormones can't change this one), more muscular, and have a deeper voice. I find both breasts and chest hair appealing in a general, abstract sort of way but don't feel particularly invested in having either one myself (and I'm not sure how I'd feel about combining the two). I find hips and curves appealing and baldness disappealing, but either one of those things can be addressed outside of hormone therapy. Basically, secondary sex characteristics are a very mixed bag for me. And, finally, gentials. My ideal genital configuration would be to have a penis and a vagina. This is theoretically possible with surgery, but not something I will likely ever pursue due to a variety of reasons including fear of complications, expense, and recovery times.
As with gender, there are several orientation labels that would fit me: allosexual, pansexual, panromantic, bisexual, biromantic, and/or queer. I tend to default to "pan" when I need a label for some reason (meaning both pansexual and panromantic since my sexual and romantic orientations align fairly closely). Sometimes I will use "bi" since that label is often more widely accepted and understood. But more often these days I just don't use or think about orientation labels. I like people. My attraction to individuals ranges from intense to none. The ways in which I'm attracted to them and the reasons why I'm attracted to them are varied. There are certainly some aspects of sex and gender that I find attractive, but there are many factors outside of that as well. My partners are people with whom there is mutual attraction and compatibility. I date people I like and who like me. And I don't feel a deep desire to put a sexuality or orientation label on that.
This feels like a good place to wrap up this page. There are, of course, more details I could add or more tangents I could follow, but this feels like it touches on most of the basics. I would like to discuss transition, timelines, questions, and various other things as well, but I will save that for another page.
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